The Literate Ape

[No title yet...suggestions?]

Ron loved to eat potatoes. He started growing them in his back yard, but was disappointed with their size. The potatoes never grew large enough for him. He'd gone to college and had received a degree in biochemistry, which he'd never used. Now, though, he had the opportunity to use his knowledge and apply it to potatoes. He could learn to grow them large enough to satisfy his appetite for them. He began working in his basement, using gene sequencers and carefully applied doses of radiation. Soon the potatoes began to grow larger, some as large as his cat. These he baked in the oven, and ate with salt and butter and sour cream.

He continued his experimentation. Soon the potatoes were too big to fit in the oven. These he baked over large fires in his back yard, and he bought large bags of rock salt to sprinkle on them. He could no longer afford the required amounts of butter and sour cream.

It soon became apparent that he was reaching the upper limit of possible potato size. The potatoes didn't get much bigger than a small car, and it didn't appear as if they ever could. He ignored the evidence, though, and kept trying. He applied larger doses of chemicals and and radiation, and he tried cross-pollinating with other species. The potatoes didn't grow any larger, but they started to change. One of them moved. It was the only one growing in the backyard--there wasn't room for any others--and one day while Ron was watering, the ground shook. It was the potato.

Soon all his new potatoes were moving, but they stopped shaking after he baked them, so he ate them. He always felt bad for a time after eating one, as though he'd taken a life. But he didn't stop. This was his obsession now.

The shaking became more pronounced in later specimens. One shook itself right out of the ground after it had grown to full size, then sat there quivering. Wonderful, he thought. I've created the perfect potato--it even digs itself up for you. He decided to perfect his technique and then try to sell it. With the money, he could start new experiments, maybe with other foods. He was starting to get tired of potatoes anyway. So he kept working, and soon he had a systematic formula worked out--step-by-step instructions on how to grow giant, self-surfacing potatoes. He had only to test it once more. He planted the final potato.

It started shaking a couple days before its 'due-date,' as Ron thought of it. When it was time, he sat in a lawn chair on the back porch, waiting and watching. The ground was really shaking now--it was time. He walked over to where he could see the top of the tuber peeking out of the dirt, shaking its way free. As it emerged, he noticed that there was something different about this specimen. He waited for it to fully expose itself, at which point the shaking subsided somewhat. He stood close to it, noticing a dark line running across the surface of the potato. It looked like a deep crack. Maybe this was insect damage of some kind. As he probed it with his finger, the crack suddenly opened, and the potato ate him.

[Silly, huh?]